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Celluloid Footprint

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For years we’ve been bombarded by environmentalists, vote-seeking politicians, and PR-hungry celebrities to do whatever we can to limit our carbon footprint on Mother Earth.  They have asked us to drive hybrid cars.  They have urged us to replace our mushroom cloud-shaped light bulbs with compact fluorescent light bulbs.  And of course, whenever available, it’s been advised that we use alternative forms of energy that do not use up natural resources or pump noxious chemicals into the air we breathe.

Obviously, these are all good things, as I no more interested in breathing in cancer causing agents than the next guy, but with all of the green advice crammed down our throats by the hundreds of morning show “experts”, I have yet to hear a single one of them utter the most obvious of environmentally-conscious suggestions…

STOP SEEING MICHAEL BAY MOVIES!


It’s nothing against the man himself, or his abilities as a popcorn movie-making director, but it’s hard to deny that his lust for massive, fuel-guzzling explosions hasn’t had a negative impact on our already fragile environment.

Now, while I freely admit that I am no expert when it comes to saving the world, I did leave the theater following an early afternoon showing of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen feeling as if there was a newly formed, irreparable hole in the ozone layer located directly over the film’s set.  Is this what Optimus Prime wanted for the world… To narrowly save it from disaster numerous times at the tyrannical hands of the evil Decepticons, only to watch it be destroyed by the very franchise-saving movie that put the Autobots back on the map?

The way I see it, CGI-robots aside, the BOOMS and KABLOWIES scattered throughout the film couldn’t possibly be environmentally friendly.  Once again, I’m no expert, but those didn’t look like hybrid explosions that Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox were leaping through as they tried their darndest to outrun Megatron.  Though, I’m guessing when you make 55 million dollars in your first day of release, shrinking your carbon footprint isn’t as important s enlarging your recycled wallet.

If Transformers 2 isn’t evidence enough to Mr. Bay’s environmental impact on the world that we call home, I give you these other celluloid transgressions:

Bad Boys I & II
Pearl Harbor
Armageddon
The Rock
The Lionel Ritchie Collection

Wait.  I take it all back.  Lionel Ritchie is a genius whose music could bring Mother Nature herself to tears.  If Michael Bay had anything to do with delivering the sweet, soothing sounds of the most talented of the Commodores into this crazy world, then by God he deserves a pass for any ozone-choking explosions he put on the big screen.

And besides, he did turn the Chevy Volt plug-in hybrid into an Autobot in Revenge of the Fallen, so even without Lionel Ritchie in his life, I’m sure Michael Bay sleeps just fine at night!

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