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Tickets to the Bardo: Low Fivers

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After discussing my Top Five comic book films, now’s time to look at the ugly ones. The ones your mother wants you to date. These are the top five movies that make me twitch, shutter, and eventually throw up in my mouth.

#5: Daredevil (2003)

Good God. Ben Affleck with red highlights as one of the coolest characters in Marveldom… and people wonder how the movie turned out the way did. This movie was horrible. Awful. Cataclysmic-in-not-a-fun way. The choreography looked like it was swiped directly form a made-for-TV flick. The chemistry (or lack thereof) between Affleck and his co-stars resulted in an implosion of retardation and filth on film.

The only—the only—redeeming quality this movie had was Colin Farrell as Bullseye. He was the only actor that was believable. Honestly. Who didn’t want to be Bullseye after they watched that movie? I did. I went around throwing paper clips at people hoping it would somehow find its way into their aorta….or something. Anyways, horrible, horrible movie. But thank goodness for overzealous, believable Irish actors.

#4: Elektra (2005)

Marvel certainly has released some winners, haven’t they? There’s a formula to their madness, I’m sure of it. For every good movie, they release four bad ones. Case in point: Elektra. I just couldn’t handle it. I don’t know why Jennifer Garner was Elektra. Maybe because she was Alias? I dunno. Whatever the reason was, it wasn’t enough to save the movie.

You know it’s bad when the coolest thing of the entire movie is the bad guys. And even they are sub-par. Although they did have Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat in the movie…maybe that’s why it’s only number four in this lovely and thorough countdown… But really, who could take this movie serious? Seriously, I have an easier time believing unicorns than I do of Jennifer Garner as Elektra. I think it spent a whole week in theaters—which, when I think about it, is pretty good for a movie this bad.

#3: Punisher (2004)

HAHAHAHA!! Whatthe? Whothe? BWAHAHAHA.  Where in the hell was the ultra violence I had come to know and love from the Punisher? Gone was the cool mythos of the character, only to be replaced by John Travolta’s stellar performance and luscious locks. Thomas Jane tried to be the Punisher—he ached to be Frank Castle. But it just wasn’t there. I knew exactly where the movie was going once the kid gave Castle that skull and bones T-shirt when they were on vacation: Nowhere.

One of the problematic things with this film was that they were trying too hard—they didn’t let the character just be. They were forcing him to be cool, but it just wasn’t working. There were moments when Castle could’ve shined and really hiked up the body count, but for reasons unknown they kept the kiddy glove on.

#2: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

Man, I feel sorry for Alan Moore. The grand poobah of comics’ amazing tale of five literary heroes became distorted and horrendous the minute Hollywood got its green mits on it. Before I saw the movie, I had chosen to ignore the bad reviews, and form my own opinion. I mean Hollywood couldn’t have messed up such an ingenious story, right?

WRONG.

No wonder Moore’s pissed at Hollywood. Not even Sean Connery could’ve saved this movie from its bad acting (which he helped provide), its shitty dialogue, and backwards plot. I suggest that if you ever want to torture somebody, you rent this movie and make them watch it. Twice. I’m sorry, Mr. Moore. By the way, I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw Captain—Captain Nemo!—do karate. Unbelievable.

#1: Tank Girl (1995)

Attention: this movie has a much substance as a bag of wet assholes. I don’t really care if it could be considered a “cult classic”. That’s just a glossy term to hide was a shit-awful movie this is. I saw this movie when I was 15 thinking I might see Lori Petty nekkid. Seriously—it was me and my loser, albeit horny friends (hormones, people, hormones), sitting in the theater waiting to see anything. Well, not even hormones could’ve saved the day. The movie had only played for about thirty minutes, and in that time half my brain was coated in Milk Duds and stupidity.

We left the theater—it was that bad. I have never-ever-never left a movie before or since. I honestly had a mini stroke—I couldn’t use the left side of my body after watching that visual corruption. Please don’t share my same fate! Please don’t see this godhorriblenastynotalent movie. Please. You’ll never look at Lori Petty in Point Breakagain.

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